struggling to figure it out.

They tell you that you have your whole life to figure it out. To figure out who you’re supposed to be. But not knowing who you’re supposed to be can be the most stressful and frustrating part of life.

My parents always stressed the importance of getting a college degree. A majority of the time (notice I said a majority of the time and not always) you will make it farther with a degree than you would without one. There are some people who do not prioritize education or they decide that college just isn’t for them. And that’s fine. But college was for me.

I was always a good student. I always did my work on time, went to class, actually studied for tests. I was smart. I graduated high school at the top of my class and I had a plan. I would go to college. I would study hard. I would be hired right out of college and make bank.

Ha but you know what they say about making plans..

Things don’t always happen the way that they should or the way that you want them to. And sometimes when you look back you can’t help but wished things had happened differently.

I’ve been struggling with my future for the past couple weeks. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been struggling with my future for the past couple years. I can’t help but feel like a failure when I think about where I am compared to where I thought I would be by now. Somehow I managed to get a job that pays well with people that I enjoy working with. But something is missing here. I’m not passionate about my work and I know that this isn’t where I want to be.

But I feel like I have no other options.

Sure, I have a degree. But what does that degree even mean? It took everything I had to graduate college alive and I just barely made it. Those four years were spent trying to save myself rather than trying to make something of myself. While everyone else was in class, I was alone in my room muffling the sound of my life shattering around me. While everyone else was studying, I was getting drunk out of my mind to forget what you did to me.

I know that I blame you for everything that happened to me. And maybe I was already fucked up when you got to me but not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could take everything back. That I don’t wish that I could start over. My mind was in survival mode and nothing else mattered. Everything that I was supposed to learn was pushed to the side. I couldn’t retain anything. I don’t remember what I learned in my Behavioral Psychology class but I remember exactly what it felt like to drink myself into oblivion. To wake up in the morning and feel even worse than I had the night before. To hate myself for what you did to me, for what I had done to myself. To want to kill myself. To have to fight with my own mind in order to stay afloat.

I fought to save a life that seems to be reaching a dead end. I’m struggling with the thought that I’ll never amount to anything because of everything that has happened. I can’t help but feel so far behind everyone else. I can’t help but feel like a failure. I know that I need to give myself credit for how far I’ve come since I fell so far. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing that I had been able to hold my own and do what everyone else was able to do.

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