struggling to figure it out.

They tell you that you have your whole life to figure it out. To figure out who you’re supposed to be. But not knowing who you’re supposed to be can be the most stressful and frustrating part of life.

My parents always stressed the importance of getting a college degree. A majority of the time (notice I said a majority of the time and not always) you will make it farther with a degree than you would without one. There are some people who do not prioritize education or they decide that college just isn’t for them. And that’s fine. But college was for me.

I was always a good student. I always did my work on time, went to class, actually studied for tests. I was smart. I graduated high school at the top of my class and I had a plan. I would go to college. I would study hard. I would be hired right out of college and make bank.

Ha but you know what they say about making plans..

Things don’t always happen the way that they should or the way that you want them to. And sometimes when you look back you can’t help but wished things had happened differently.

I’ve been struggling with my future for the past couple weeks. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been struggling with my future for the past couple years. I can’t help but feel like a failure when I think about where I am compared to where I thought I would be by now. Somehow I managed to get a job that pays well with people that I enjoy working with. But something is missing here. I’m not passionate about my work and I know that this isn’t where I want to be.

But I feel like I have no other options.

Sure, I have a degree. But what does that degree even mean? It took everything I had to graduate college alive and I just barely made it. Those four years were spent trying to save myself rather than trying to make something of myself. While everyone else was in class, I was alone in my room muffling the sound of my life shattering around me. While everyone else was studying, I was getting drunk out of my mind to forget what you did to me.

I know that I blame you for everything that happened to me. And maybe I was already fucked up when you got to me but not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could take everything back. That I don’t wish that I could start over. My mind was in survival mode and nothing else mattered. Everything that I was supposed to learn was pushed to the side. I couldn’t retain anything. I don’t remember what I learned in my Behavioral Psychology class but I remember exactly what it felt like to drink myself into oblivion. To wake up in the morning and feel even worse than I had the night before. To hate myself for what you did to me, for what I had done to myself. To want to kill myself. To have to fight with my own mind in order to stay afloat.

I fought to save a life that seems to be reaching a dead end. I’m struggling with the thought that I’ll never amount to anything because of everything that has happened. I can’t help but feel so far behind everyone else. I can’t help but feel like a failure. I know that I need to give myself credit for how far I’ve come since I fell so far. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing that I had been able to hold my own and do what everyone else was able to do.

exes.

I know that exes are exes for a reason. I know that sometimes things don’t work out. What I don’t know, is how we are supposed to move forward with a gaping absence within us, beside us, around us.

I’ve never been good at letting go and as often as they say that you get over things with time you’d think it would be true. But let’s be honest, the person we are holding onto isn’t that person anymore.

Things change when you get into a relationship and things change when you get out of one. And the thing that changes the most in the end? The people you both were when you were together. The truth is, I can miss you for the rest of my life. But the you that I miss isn’t the you that you are anymore. Or maybe you still are that person, you’re just that person with someone else. Either way, it’s hard to think about the past and accept that I don’t have you anymore. To accept that the person that I loved with all of my heart does not love me anymore.

Sometimes I wish that I had never met you. Because it’s crazy to have this person in your life for so long. To open yourself up and expose the deepest and darkest parts of yourself. To let that person in farther than anyone else. And then to have that person walk away and you’re supposed to be okay with it but you feel this hole inside of your heart and you want to rip yourself to shreds because how could life possibly go on without him.

Haha we all move on though. Some faster than others (you really knew how to crush my heart). But we both know that the past is the past. Even if you are who you were, I’m not who I was. The space between you and I becomes larger and larger by the day. We are just two people now. Two people that at one point in time had something. And it all means nothing now.

 

midnight shift is the absolute worst.

Anyone else out there work a midnight shift job? For those of you that do, I am so so sorry. For those of you that don’t and never have, I honestly hope you never do.

Midnights are the worst. Not only do you never see sunlight, but you never see people!! I neeeed my social interaction but working midnights makes it so hard. While I’m asleep everyone is at work and by the time they’re off it’s time for me to go. Your sleep is never of high quality. You never know what day it is. Is it breakfast time or dinner time? Who the fuck knows.

Ugh. I hate midnights.

late night thoughts.

I hate being awake when the rest of the world is fast asleep. Or I guess more like I hate being awake by myself. Something about the dark shadows make the thoughts you never thought you’d think come to the light. Being alone there is much opportunity for negative thinking to take over. For some reason nothing feels as safe at night. The actions we take are impulsive and the words we speak and shaded by the absence of the sun. It’s a time when mistakes are made and hearts are broken. It’s a time when nothing seems to matter anymore. A feeling a resilience takes ahold inside of you and the dynamic thoughts of being free make your heart race. Nothing good ever happens at night. At least not by the hearts that hold half the moon in their wake. Some of us were born darker than the others.

withdrawal.

Anyone that has ever been on antidepressants knows what withdrawal feels like. Whether you’re switching medications or completely discontinuing one, it is the most uncomfortable feeling.

Well currently I am on day 5 without any medication whatsoever. Needless to say I am going through withdrawal. I am sitting here at work with bright red, puffy eyes because I spent last night bawling my eyes out. Why you ask? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

I just wish that I could sit here and not be sweating like a pig and not be shaking like I am freezing my ass off. This is seriously one of the worst things about depression. Besides the depression that is…

Just get me through this withdrawal period please.

it is so tiring.

Depression fucking sucks and you spend your whole life trying to find something that helps, something that takes the emptiness away, only for it to come rushing right back. This isn’t my first walk in the park and it definitely won’t be my last. How is this fair?

I am so goddamn tired. Tired of feeling like nothing will ever fix this. Tired of going through the day just praying for it to end. Tired of feeling this emptiness inside of me, this cold sadness that takes my life away with a sharp breath. I want to be done. I want it to end. And I don’t even feel like writing this post because no one even reads this shit. NO ONE. It’s like I’m taking to myself. Not that anyone would understand anyways.

“sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. it’s okay. they don’t need to. your journey is not for them.”

Ever looked at your group of friends and compared where you are to where they are? Bad idea. But we all do it. So even if you’re in denial and you have convinced yourself that you are perfectly okay with your life and where you are and you don’t feel the need to compare yourself..you’re lying. It’s a natural response. To compare. To compete. Survival of the fittest.

But we are not cavemen and we are not striving for the same things.

I’m a 23 (almost 24) year old college graduate with no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life. Does that scare me? Yes. Should that scare me? Maybe. But should I be comparing myself to the success of those around me? No. And I’ll tell you why..

One of my best friends..let’s call her Jess..and I attended the same college. She studied biology and I studied psychology. She played lacrosse in school, I spent most of my time with my friends, a personal choice. We both graduated college and her and I now work for the same company, at the same position. Does she have her life more together than I do? Yes. But none of us have the same path, regardless of whether or not our paths cross with someone else. See, Jess and I did not have the same experiences in life and we definitely don’t have the same goals. She wants to travel the world with her boyfriend, experiencing different places and different people, living life to its fullest. She does not have a care in the world. I, on the other hand, have no fucking clue what I want to do. She is going places…in our company, in the world. I look at Jess’ life and I listen to her plans for the future and I can’t help but feel more lost. But then I stop myself..

It. is. not. a. race. There is no finish line. There is only you and the expectations that you hold for yourself. It absolutely terrifies me that I have no clue what I am doing. And that everyone around me seems to have at least some idea of what they’re doing, or at least they’re doing a real good job faking it. Two of my best friends are engaged. WE ARE 23. STOP IT.

Every journey is different. No one has the right to judge anyone else’s journey but their own. People move at different paces and the success of another should never be thought of as a failure of yourself. It is so hard to look around and see everyone around you seemingly in control of their lives. But trust me, if that’s not you, you’re not alone.

I think about my past and all the days I told myself I wouldn’t make it. I think back on the hours upon hours that I would struggle to hold myself together. And I realize that my journey has been a journey completely different than those around me. Many of my friends live by the relatively common journey of getting an education, finding a career, and getting married and starting a family. And maybe at one point in my life that was my plan too. To study hard in school and get a career that I’m in love with and come home to my happy little family. But things change. Journeys change. And sometimes we have no control.

While most of my friends in college focused on school work and extracurriculars to build their resumes, I was on a completely different track. I must admit, school was not important to me. My second semester of college I ended with a 1.4 GPA. But what I’ve realized is that my journey was spent keeping myself together, alive, and well enough to at least fake that school mattered. What was important in my journey was my pulse, not my papers. When I think about it, I regret not learning more in school. I regret not studying and not going to class and not asking questions and not opening my mind to new ideas. A part of me feels as if I’ve missed a stage that is so important in society’s idealistic journey. But some things are more important than education in your journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m smart. And I did graduate on time in good standing with the school despite all the shit I went through. But my journey is not about education and classes. My journey is about life and living. When I look at my friends, I understand their journey. I may not understand how they got there or why they did the things they did, but I get it. Education. Career. Family. I get it. When they look at me, I know they see someone that’s lost, someone that may not amount to much. They ask me why I didn’t try in college? Or why I didn’t do this or that? They question what my goals are (because what’s a journey without goals?). And sometimes I wonder if they question if I’m an asset to their lives.

But I don’t care. You can’t see my journey on my college transcript or in my resume or through the success of my career. But if you know anything about me, which you probably don’t, you’d know that instead of focusing my energy and my life on normal things, I focused on my pulse. If I could just keep fighting through the days.

My journey is invisible to most, but not to me. My journey is different than that of everyone around me and you’d probably never get it. But my point is that journeys don’t look the same, and sometimes you can’t see them at all, but everyone is traveling on one. Success does not look the same on anyone or to anyone and judging someone’s journey only highlights the ignorance of the true meaning. Your journey is not meant for those around you, it is meant for you. Do not get discouraged if others do not believe in your journey. Wherever you are going, you deserve the chance to grow and strive for the things that have meaning to you, not just to society.

highlight reels.

In today’s society we are constantly comparing ourselves to the highlight reels of everyone around us. We are constantly posting about our lives..but only the good parts. We post the pictures and words that convince the world that we are living this perfect life with perfect friends going to the perfect parties. We post bright, colorful, never-actually-candid pictures that convince others that we have it all. Social media gives us a chance to change how people view us. But does anyone actually believe that we have this perfect life?

YES. THEY DO. Ever wonder how random people become insta-famous? These people have the ability to capture the smallest moments or even non-existent moments and make their viewers believe the whole world is bright for them. Ever take a selfie? Ever take a selfie and look at the picture and kinda scare yourself? Real people aren’t flawless. Real people don’t have their make up perfectly done all the time. They don’t have the best clothes or travel to the most exotic places. They live through real time events, not through the “likes” of memories past.

These highlight reels that we see are not real and they hurt the success of our generation. We are competing against each other for the most “likes,” but what do those “likes” even mean? Do they give your life validation? Do they make you feel good? Special? Pretty? However they make you feel, you should realize that no one has the ability to make you feel less than you are. No “like” or “share” will change your worth. Regardless of how you seem to appear.

Social media has changed the way we see not only others, but ourselves. We look at these perfect people, comparing our lives to theirs and then we wonder why we are unhappy. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT REAL. We only see the tiny bit of their lives that they want us to see. They have full control over how we view them. We compare every detail of our lives to theirs without realizing that we are only seeing a portion of the big picture. They only post what makes them look good.

This world has turned into a competition of who can get the most “likes” and the sad part is, a majority of our generation defines their worth based on their social media profiles. It’s hard to go online and not compare yourself to everyone you see. But..life is not a competition. You do not need to be validated through what you post online. No one has a perfect life and portraying yourself as if you do will only drag you into the craze of needing to be accepted and needing to get the best picture to post. We waste so much of our time and energy on getting the best shot. Stop. ENJOY THE MOMENT. You never know how many moments you have left.

the weather is gloomy and so am I.

Humans have to be somehow connected to the weather. Spiritual, emotionally, whichever way…The weather has a strong hold on the way we feel about things. Today the weather is rainy and dark and I know it’s early and there’s time for change but I can’t help but feel rainy and dark inside. Maybe it’s just easier to feel down when the sun isn’t shining in your face and blinding you with its brightness. Maybe the sun takes away all negative feelings? But no that can’t be true. Aprils showers bring may flowers. But we all know what can happen in May.