exes.

I know that exes are exes for a reason. I know that sometimes things don’t work out. What I don’t know, is how we are supposed to move forward with a gaping absence within us, beside us, around us.

I’ve never been good at letting go and as often as they say that you get over things with time you’d think it would be true. But let’s be honest, the person we are holding onto isn’t that person anymore.

Things change when you get into a relationship and things change when you get out of one. And the thing that changes the most in the end? The people you both were when you were together. The truth is, I can miss you for the rest of my life. But the you that I miss isn’t the you that you are anymore. Or maybe you still are that person, you’re just that person with someone else. Either way, it’s hard to think about the past and accept that I don’t have you anymore. To accept that the person that I loved with all of my heart does not love me anymore.

Sometimes I wish that I had never met you. Because it’s crazy to have this person in your life for so long. To open yourself up and expose the deepest and darkest parts of yourself. To let that person in farther than anyone else. And then to have that person walk away and you’re supposed to be okay with it but you feel this hole inside of your heart and you want to rip yourself to shreds because how could life possibly go on without him.

Haha we all move on though. Some faster than others (you really knew how to crush my heart). But we both know that the past is the past. Even if you are who you were, I’m not who I was. The space between you and I becomes larger and larger by the day. We are just two people now. Two people that at one point in time had something. And it all means nothing now.

 

it is so tiring.

Depression fucking sucks and you spend your whole life trying to find something that helps, something that takes the emptiness away, only for it to come rushing right back. This isn’t my first walk in the park and it definitely won’t be my last. How is this fair?

I am so goddamn tired. Tired of feeling like nothing will ever fix this. Tired of going through the day just praying for it to end. Tired of feeling this emptiness inside of me, this cold sadness that takes my life away with a sharp breath. I want to be done. I want it to end. And I don’t even feel like writing this post because no one even reads this shit. NO ONE. It’s like I’m taking to myself. Not that anyone would understand anyways.