struggling to figure it out.

They tell you that you have your whole life to figure it out. To figure out who you’re supposed to be. But not knowing who you’re supposed to be can be the most stressful and frustrating part of life.

My parents always stressed the importance of getting a college degree. A majority of the time (notice I said a majority of the time and not always) you will make it farther with a degree than you would without one. There are some people who do not prioritize education or they decide that college just isn’t for them. And that’s fine. But college was for me.

I was always a good student. I always did my work on time, went to class, actually studied for tests. I was smart. I graduated high school at the top of my class and I had a plan. I would go to college. I would study hard. I would be hired right out of college and make bank.

Ha but you know what they say about making plans..

Things don’t always happen the way that they should or the way that you want them to. And sometimes when you look back you can’t help but wished things had happened differently.

I’ve been struggling with my future for the past couple weeks. But if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been struggling with my future for the past couple years. I can’t help but feel like a failure when I think about where I am compared to where I thought I would be by now. Somehow I managed to get a job that pays well with people that I enjoy working with. But something is missing here. I’m not passionate about my work and I know that this isn’t where I want to be.

But I feel like I have no other options.

Sure, I have a degree. But what does that degree even mean? It took everything I had to graduate college alive and I just barely made it. Those four years were spent trying to save myself rather than trying to make something of myself. While everyone else was in class, I was alone in my room muffling the sound of my life shattering around me. While everyone else was studying, I was getting drunk out of my mind to forget what you did to me.

I know that I blame you for everything that happened to me. And maybe I was already fucked up when you got to me but not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could take everything back. That I don’t wish that I could start over. My mind was in survival mode and nothing else mattered. Everything that I was supposed to learn was pushed to the side. I couldn’t retain anything. I don’t remember what I learned in my Behavioral Psychology class but I remember exactly what it felt like to drink myself into oblivion. To wake up in the morning and feel even worse than I had the night before. To hate myself for what you did to me, for what I had done to myself. To want to kill myself. To have to fight with my own mind in order to stay afloat.

I fought to save a life that seems to be reaching a dead end. I’m struggling with the thought that I’ll never amount to anything because of everything that has happened. I can’t help but feel so far behind everyone else. I can’t help but feel like a failure. I know that I need to give myself credit for how far I’ve come since I fell so far. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing that I had been able to hold my own and do what everyone else was able to do.

highlight reels.

In today’s society we are constantly comparing ourselves to the highlight reels of everyone around us. We are constantly posting about our lives..but only the good parts. We post the pictures and words that convince the world that we are living this perfect life with perfect friends going to the perfect parties. We post bright, colorful, never-actually-candid pictures that convince others that we have it all. Social media gives us a chance to change how people view us. But does anyone actually believe that we have this perfect life?

YES. THEY DO. Ever wonder how random people become insta-famous? These people have the ability to capture the smallest moments or even non-existent moments and make their viewers believe the whole world is bright for them. Ever take a selfie? Ever take a selfie and look at the picture and kinda scare yourself? Real people aren’t flawless. Real people don’t have their make up perfectly done all the time. They don’t have the best clothes or travel to the most exotic places. They live through real time events, not through the “likes” of memories past.

These highlight reels that we see are not real and they hurt the success of our generation. We are competing against each other for the most “likes,” but what do those “likes” even mean? Do they give your life validation? Do they make you feel good? Special? Pretty? However they make you feel, you should realize that no one has the ability to make you feel less than you are. No “like” or “share” will change your worth. Regardless of how you seem to appear.

Social media has changed the way we see not only others, but ourselves. We look at these perfect people, comparing our lives to theirs and then we wonder why we are unhappy. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT REAL. We only see the tiny bit of their lives that they want us to see. They have full control over how we view them. We compare every detail of our lives to theirs without realizing that we are only seeing a portion of the big picture. They only post what makes them look good.

This world has turned into a competition of who can get the most “likes” and the sad part is, a majority of our generation defines their worth based on their social media profiles. It’s hard to go online and not compare yourself to everyone you see. But..life is not a competition. You do not need to be validated through what you post online. No one has a perfect life and portraying yourself as if you do will only drag you into the craze of needing to be accepted and needing to get the best picture to post. We waste so much of our time and energy on getting the best shot. Stop. ENJOY THE MOMENT. You never know how many moments you have left.